So we’d kissed finally and freaked out. And around that same time I tore my ACL and I was gonna be away. So Matt was off the road. Adam was on the road and I said, “Hey, you know what? Let’s take this as an opportunity. We need to just be in our own worlds and evaluate. Don’t do anything for me. I’m not gonna do anything for you. I need to figure out what is right for my world.
You need to figure out what’s right for your world. If we meet up on the other side, cool. If not, I support and respect whatever your decisions are. He’s like okay that sounds like the mature adult thing to do.”
He left a message on my voice on my cell phone that pretty much just spelled out everything and his feelings for me and his intentions and what he wanted to do and everything. This was at the time where we weren’t as glued to our cell phones. And I was coming home.
My knee was hurt. I was coming home. I turned off my phone and I was ready to just kind of check out from wrestling and anything and Matt was just feeling like something’s not right.
So I was asleep and he went and checked my cell phone and there’s that message from Adam and it was not like – oh he was just worried about my knee whatever. And I just looked at him and I said, “I’m sorry” and I took my keys and I got in my car and it was six o’clock in the morning or something like that.
I just started driving and it wasn’t until about an hour I didn’t even have any GPS turned on. I was just driving. I was like – Guess I’m gonna go to my mom’s. So I called.
I said, “Hey, I’m on my way. I don’t really know, I’ll be there at some point today”. That’s like I didn’t even know what direction I’m headed.
It was like a hypnotized, numb like, stop at red lights look at the speed limit and it was just chaos. And Adam’s wife, she would call me every five minutes and I’d pick up the phone every time and I just sit there and I’m saying I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.. I’m sorry… and she’d be like – and then this and this and that.
I mean of course she’s saying terrible things, accusing me of things that I did not do, but I understood that of course she’s devastated.
So it’s just like I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry… and then wait. She’d do it again and I’d be like yes, you can yell at me.
For the most part, every woman in that locker room judged me. Every of the other wrestlers’ wives, the boys judged me, but as shameful as they acted towards me, I was punishing myself even worse.
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